I love my children, but I don't always love being a mother. There, I said it. My kids are great-they are funny, loving, and exciting, but they are also exhausting, needy and at times, very disobedient. While the vision of the mother that I want to be floats around in my head, in actuality, I am very different than this vision. I am selfish, cranky, tired, and frankly, at times angry. I respond quickly with frustration more times than not, rather than give the kids the grace and mercy that they deserve. The grace and mercy that God gives to me.
I crave alone time, and will try to fight for it, when really I should be spending time with the kids. As they see me trying to escape, it causes them to act out, which makes me want to escape even more. A vicious cycle. A cycle that I can break. It is time for me to focus more on my children, and less on my desires. There will come a time that I won't be so busy--there will be a time that I can do more of the things that I want. That time isn't here though, and I don't want to waste my present, dreaming about the future.
I will miss my children when they are grown. I already feel like time is flying by. I can't believe Gage is 3 1/2, Aslyn is over 9 months and Sahara is 10, with Aidan turning 9 in less than two weeks. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was pregnant with Gage, and didn't know what being a full-time Mom was going to be like.
Yes, there have been stresses in my life, which probably contribute to some of the feelings that I have, but that is no excuse for the way I have been acting. It is my responsibilty, as a wife, mother and step-mother, to provide a home that is welcoming and peaceful. A home that is organized and fun. A home that builds my children up.
My goal, for 2013, is to slow down, use my time more wisely, get my health in gear. By doing this, I think that I can work towards being the Mom that I want to be. The Mom that protects my child's heart, rather than being the one that at times probably breaks it.
I love my children, and it is my goal for them to always see my love for them.